Last week I stole a V8 juice from my office’s fridge, took it home, boiled it on the stovetop along with some frozen peas, and ate it for dinner. The meal was essentially free and it got me thinking that my destiny might not be to become a famous reality star like I have been hoping, it might be to write a cook book. Kind of like Julia Child, except my book wouldn’t focus on mastering the art of French cooking, but would instead focus on mastering the art of eating for free. There could be a chapter with tips on how to steal food you happen to come across, a chapter on getting creative with frozen vegetables, a chapter on different liquids you can boil, that type of stuff.
When lunch rolls around at my office, staff always eats together and I can usually be found sitting silently at the end of the table shoveling my free lunch into my mouth. I have a hard time contributing to conversation because due to the fact that I have no cable or internet at my apartment, I have no idea what happened on Dancing with the Stars, or what is going on in New Girl or how many seasons of True Blood there are. I am clueless as to what is happening in Hollywood. If we wanted to talk about actual Hollywood, I’d have a lot to add to the conversation, I might even dominate it, but what I have to say just never seems like an appropriate addition. “Oh, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey got into an argument on X Factor last night? Just the other day there was a bum fight outside the Ralphs by my house, three cops had to come break it up!” No one wants to witness actual fighting in their everyday life, but they will make time in their schedule to sit down and watch it on TV. I’m personally more freaked out by the sight of Nicki Minaj than a dirty bum, but I think I may be the only one.
In my very short working career in the entertainment business, I’ve ordered a lot of food for important people. Important people need the fancy, health conscious food ordered for them but they usually never eat all of it, or sometimes any of it. But it’s very important that it’s there for them. The key, I believe, to getting my cook book published is to make it appealing to these important people because these are the influential people who have the ability to make things like a cook book successful. I’m sure if Kim Kardashian let on that she lost the 50 lbs on her ass not by the diet pills she endorses but by making a soup with frozen peas and cans of V8 juice everyone and their mother would be talking about it at lunch with their co-workers. Society is weird that way.