All at Sea

There’s an expression “all at sea”, it means to be bewildered, unable to understand. Originally it was used to describe the condition of a ship out of sight of land and in danger of becoming lost. I think it’s a valid expression of being 24 years old. There are many moments when I feel all at sea.

Usually I don’t like to write about my fears when I haven’t yet found a resolution, it feels similar to writing an essay with no concluding paragraph- or whining. I’m also always hesitant to solidify feelings of hopelessness into words because I am no poet. Times of transition, self doubt or sadness usually produce those journal entries I re-read years later and groan over how dramatic and inarticulate I am. This will probably be one of those entries.

I mostly worry about time. I don’t know if it’s a product of being young, but I always feel like my life hasn’t yet begun. It’s always scheduled to begin “after high school” or “once I graduate college” or “once I meet the right person”-whenever. Because of this, I worry that soon I’ll be old and that scheduled life will never have arrived.

This scheduled life includes four things I know I want for certain.

I want a home somewhere. A place to fill with books and art where I can read, cook, garden and invite people into. But mainly I want to always have a place waiting for me to come home to. Security. A family.

I want to travel. I love the idea of roads. Roads are everywhere, connecting place to place, some must be empty or deserted and those are the ones I’m most interested in finding.

I want to meet people. People who grew up in India or Africa or Texas or anywhere that wasn’t where I grew up, I want to experience those people’s everyday lives. Be immersed in different cultures, really get to know someone. I like really knowing people, knowing what makes them tick. And you can’t discover things like that unless you spend a good amount of time with the person, and that usually requires you to stay put somewhere for awhile.

I want to feel important. Valued. I would love to be a writer, professor, artist, journalist, economist, philosopher, astronomer, lawyer. Someone who has a vision and a voice, who could reach all different types of people. Impact people in a significant way. Something I’ll never even come close to accomplishing if I don’t choose one person to devote my time to becoming.

I worry that I don’t have enough time to do everything I want. I worry that everything I want contradicts itself, that I can’t have it all. I worry that I’m wasting time. There’s too many choices and I can’t make up my mind, and certain choices are so important. And once I do make up my mind and I’m required to put my true abilities out there to be tested… I worry that I won’t be brave enough.

All at sea.

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