Today when I was stuck in traffic on the 10, a car full of boys in a Jetta next to me started screaming “GET OFF YOUR PHONE!!” I had in fact, glanced down at my phone to look at a snap chat from my friend of an empty room with a stick figure drawn standing in the middle, when I noticed the boys. They kept yelling and yelling and finally I snapped, “LEAVE ME ALONNNEEEEEE” I screamed out the window and all of them went quiet. I have so many awkward traffic encounters but this one really is high up on the list of the most embarrassing. After a moment I looked at them again and yelled “THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE AND THE OTHERS WHO SHARE THIS ROAD..” They just stared at me and then one of them said “You’re a babe” and blew me a kiss. The rest of the way home we played hide and go seek as traffic sped up and slowed down, until I finally got off at my exit.
The older I get the more crabby I am becoming and I don’t know how to stop it. Sitting at a desk for nine hours or more everyday, never once leaving the office might play a large role in this, but I’m not 100% sure. I can’t seem to train my mind to think positively. I find myself more skittish and defensive and my sense of humor is slowly disappearing. The other night I found myself trying to defend my honor to the checkout employee at Vons. “Mam can you swipe your card please?” “I DID swipe my card, I followed the directions! I did my job as a customer, I’m trying the best I can!” She stared at me blinking and I quickly swiped my card again, grabbed my lean pockets and ran out of the store.
When I get home I don’t want to speak to anyone or do anything but watch Modern Family episodes over and over. I had a bad dream the other night that someone Fedexed a baby to the office and when I opened the box and noticed the tiny baby in diapers I panicked. I woke up confused, disturbed and sweaty so I just turned on Modern Family and watched the episode where Phil tries to fix Jay’s fax machine for the thousandth time.
I can watch the same episodes of certain TV shows over and over and over. The OC, Brothers and Sisters and Sex and the City. The OC because I really relate to Mischa Barton’s character because she’s always sitting alone at the lifeguard station, drinking vodka from a flask and crying. Brothers and Sisters because I love Sally Field, she’s always in a tizzy over something but she means well, and I love watching her cook and host parties at her beautiful house. Sex and the City because I envy Carrie Bradshaw who writes one column for the New York Times and somehow can afford Prada shoes and her own apartment in New York City.
Im beginning to realize that making the choice to get a job and support myself is in fact stupid. Most everyone I know who graduated when I did still lives at home or gets help from their parents, but I stupidly decided to try to make it on my own, be an “independent woman.” What I’m discovering is I’m much more Sally Field than Sasha Fierce. I’m too tired everyday from working to go out and shake my booty on the dance floor or be young, wild and free. Instead I’m looking up soup recipes and researching gardening tips.
Not to mention living creatively on my salary. There be no buying Prada shoes on my budget. People pee outside my window late at night and when my friends leave they immediately instruct me to lock the door behind them.
It’s hard to be in your twenties. You never have clean laundry, you never have food and it’s painful to be in the pursuit of your inner Sasha Fierce. It can be mortifying. Just ask those guys in the Jetta who I yelled at during rush hour.